Robot, kick him in the knees. Bears have weak knees.
He should vibrate, 'cause the robot's full of radiation. Yeah, that's it.
- How many bears did I say you could have? - One.
And how many do you see here?
- Four? - Save a little money for the rest of us.
You can't spend a lot of money on bear suits that are only gonna be seen for 25 seconds.
Nobody will believe that a killer robot can get his ass kicked by one bear.
You're trying to bring logic to the robot-bear sketch?
- You can't have four bears! - Well, how many can I keep?
One!
Sony, guys. Sam, why don't you stay?
Who did my sudoku puzzle?
I have been looking forward to this puzzle all morning.
Liz, could you come to my office when you have a free moment?
I never have a free moment, Jack. Never, ever.
Really punch him, like karate.
Are you familiar with the Japanese art of reiki?
No.
It is the laying on of hands in order to improve one's life.
How does you life improve? Do the hands have money in them?
Human contact is important, Lemon.
I can tell from your stress level
that you have not been touched in quite some time...
Not caressed, not massaged, not even groped on the subway.
Where are you headed with this?
Your mood affects the quality of your work, which, in turn, affects me.
I would like to become a resource to you for improving your personal life.
Do you agree that you need someone in your life, Lemon?
No, I have bigger things to worry about than my personal life.
I would think that a single woman's biggest worry
would be choking to death alone in her apartment.
I have a friend in town I'd like to set you up with.
No, thank you.
Thomas is very bright, has a wonderful sense of humour.
Are you free on Thursday?
No, Thursday is poker night,
and, by the way, it is completely inappropriate
for you to be questioning me about my private life
and then trying to Set me up with someone when you don't know anything about me.
- Poker night? Who plays? - Really, that's all you got out of that?
I enjoy poker. I'd be interested in seeing my new employees under that kind of pressure.
I bluffed. Yes, I am coming.
Three can't go here. Three can't go here.
Can't go here.
It can go here.
Fine, I'll meet your friend.
So, who is this Thomas guy?
Oh, I don't know. He's one of Jack's friends.
Oh, my God, isn't Jack friends with Tom DeLay?
Am I going on a date with Tom DeLay?
Oh, why did I say I would do this?
I haven't been on a date since Dennis and I broke up, almost a year ago.
- It's gonna be a complete disaster. - It's just one date.
But if it is Tom DeLay and you do go home with him,
be prepared for it to get weird.
Josh, you and me, Thursday night.
I know this guy that runs an underground bird fight.
Oh, yeah. I can't do that. Thursday's poker night here.
Guys, we just need to try the green-screen stuff one more time.
Poker night? I love poker!
I used to play all kinds of poker with my aunts...
Crazy 7, Albuquerque Freak-Out, One-Card Stud.
Yeah, I don't think those are real games.
Whatever. Get ready to get took.
No, Mom, I can't make it Friday. I got to work.
- Hey, Frank? - Hold on.
- What do guys like? - Porn.
No, I mean, if you were gonna go on a date with a woman,
-how would you want her to act? - Like she was in a porn.
Hey, Lemon...
you're on for 8:00 for dinner at Café des Artistes.
Really? Wow.
- What? - What are you gonna wear?
- This. I don't have time to go home. - No, that won't do.
I want you to go out on your lunch hour
and find something...
in a women's clothing store.
Remind me what's better, a pair of black aces or a pair of red aces.
You guys, I'm leaving.
All right, all right.
- Look at that. - Hey, look at you!
You look like a fancy prostitute.
OK, I got my chair. I got my beer. I got my lucky doughnut.
- Oh, is there room for one more? - Yeah, sure.
Really? That's fantastic. Could we just... this.
Ah, yes, yes, yes.
- Donaghy, what up? - What up, Tra?
This round, Texas Doozy. Face cards are wild, 3 is a jinx, 5s are 25.
- Tra, do you mind if I deal? - Be my guest. Show me love.
Ladies and gentlemen, the minimum bet in this game is $25.
We usually just play for quarters.
Well, then you best go home and put on your daddy's shoes, boy.
This is a man's game.
I call.
And I'll see that with this thing.
- I call. - Pair of jacks.
- Ace-high. - Three cowboys.
Oh, my God, my wedding ring.
Oh, my God.
Now, you should all learn from Pete's mistake.
My wife's gonna kill me!
In poker, as in business,
the key to success is to determine your opponent's strength
and, more importantly, his weaknesses.
Everyone has a tell...
a weakness of character that manifests itself physically.
Like, when Lutz here has a good hand, he stops eating.
When Frank is bluffing, he asks inane questions to hide his nervousness.
Oh, really, is that what you think? ls that what I do? Arn I doing that right now?
Yeah, I'm out.
OK, Rain Man, tell me what I got.
Well, you have two of your cards backwards, actually.
I'm out.
Hi, Pinot Grigio, please.
This is beyond the pale. Donaghy took me for $200.
Yeah, well, I bet my rent money,
and if I don't pay by the 10th, my mom's gonna throw me out.
I'm all-in. Anybody else?
Oh, I'll play with you, Mr Donaghy.
Kenneth, how long you been sitting there?
I'm taking Pete's place, he's in the bathroom, laying in his own sick.
Oh, my God. He can't read Kenneth.
- He's a blank slate. - OK, what do you got?
I think I have what they refer to as a royal flush.
Looks like I'm the big winner.
Thank you.
Liz?
Hi, I'm Gretchen Thomas, Jack's friend.
- Great to meet you. - Hi.
Why would Jack just assume that we're lesbians?
- I am a lesbian. - That's awesome.
Is this the first time somebody's made that assumption about you?
Lemon, don't let these girls give you a hard time about who you are.
You know, you need to brush your teeth more, young man.
Oh, my, what an adorable little lesbian.
What? I don't know. Who remembers that kind of thing?
Look, obviously, this is a miscommunication.
I'm not interested in chasing a straight girl.
Of course, yeah.
I completely understand if you just want to go home.
No, it's fine. I'll stay. Jack is ridiculous.
Oh, I worked with Jack in plastics.
He approaches everything the same way...
Locate the problem, isolate the problem, set the problem up with a lesbian.
Thats a pretty good joke for somebody from plastics.
Well, I wasn't always in plastics.
I used to work in water-process technologies, working mainly in primary metals.
Oh, so you have a comedy background?
- How was your evening with Thomas? - You mean Gretchen Thomas,
the brilliant plastics engineer/lesbian?
What made you think I was gay?
Your shoes.
- Well, I'm straight. - Those shoes are definitely bi-curious.
Regardless, I am straight... 100% completely straight.
Well, I'm sorry if I offended you.
- No, I'm not offended. - Good.
What do you know about Kenneth, the page?
- I don't know. He's a sweet kid. - Yes, and a surprisingly good poker player.
- Did you know his middle name is Ellen? - No, that's weird.
That his Myers-Briggs psychological testing
shows a rare combination of extroverted, intuitive, and aggressive?
- Really? -It's the same as mine. He could be trouble.
- Kenneth? - Kenneth Ellen.
All right, then, you're not a lesbian... I'll correct that on your file.
It's too bad, though. Thomas thought you were great.
- She did? - Yes.
She thought you looked like Jennifer Jason Leigh.
- Really, she said that? - Yes, I made her repeat it.
I was sure she meant Jason Lee.
Jenna, set yourself, please, for "Dancing with the Deity. "
- Miss Lemon? - Yes?
This is Pete's wedding ring. I won it, but I don't think I should keep it.
- Could you give it back to him for me? - Yeah, OK.
- Did you win this, too? - I did.
I love how the light catches it like diamonds.
Kenneth, it is diamonds.
Ah, hi, Mr Donaghy. Can I help you with something?
You are a puzzle, Kenneth Ellen.
And I'm going to solve you.
Yes, I am.
- I can't believe you bet your wedding ring. - I know.
Weird thing is, I had money left.
Hey, what famous person would you say I look like?
- Present-day Linda Ronstadt. - No, Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
- Tootsie. - Oh, never mind.
- So, how was your date? - It wasn't a good match.
What happened? Did he notice your facial tic?
- No. - Did you wear sandals? Did he see your toes?
- No. - You blew it, didn't you?
- Good job, Liz. - Way to go.
- Another one bites the dust. - Aw, look at your little face.
It was a lady!
Are you serious?
Where is my Emmy?
- Hello? - Hi, Gretchen. it's Liz Lemon.
Look, this is gonna sound really weird,
but do you ever worry about choking to death alone in your apartment?
Oh, it's so weird you would say that. I think about it all the time.
You'd die, and they wouldn't find you until your neighbour's dog
smelled you from the hallway.
Oh, yes, and they'd show a picture of you on "NY1."
And it's not just choking.
Ever since I turned 30, every time I get in or out of the bathtub,
I think in my head, "Careful, careful."
Yes!
Everything's the worst.
- Do you want to get some dinner? - Sure.
- I'll see you in 20 at Neptune. - Yeah, OK, perfect, yeah.
I can't...
I did not die.
Man, this is amazing. Oh, hey, Jack.
Welcome. Welcome, everybody.
Damn, Jack, you went all-out. That's a giant shrimp.
Made out of shrimp and diving into a bowl of shrimp.
Please, enjoy, Tracy. Hey, Pete, good to see you.
Is Kenneth here?
I... I will check.
I've been playing for two hours.
I'm tired of losing.
I'm gonna let my boy Dot Com play a hand for me.
So, hey, Dot Com, are we going to those three clubs tonight?
You know, the doctor said I have four hearts in my body?
- All right. - Come on.
Damn it.
What the...
Hey, everybody, this is Gretchen.
Oh, hey.
- Thomas. - Jack.
- How's everybody up there? - We miss you.
I love this woman.
Let's play some poker.
I call. What have you got, Kenneth?
All clovers. I win.
Very clever boy, Kenneth, but the curtain has been drawn back now,
and I know the real you.
I think he's confusing me with someone else.
Liz, are you sure you're not gay? Because that chick is hot.
We're just friends, like Oprah and Gayle.
Why is that so hard for everybody to believe?
She's great. You should marry that girl.
Yeah, one problem... I'm not gay.
Oh, Lemon, in the ten years I've known you,
- you've had some terrible boyfriends. - I have.
- The guy obsessed with Charlie Chaplin. - Neil.
The one who played Halo under the name Slut Banger.
Dennis.
The gangly, red-haired guy who played guitar all the time.
Conan.
You're more relaxed with Gretchen than you were with any of those guys.
So, I should just be a lesbian?
Oh, I'm not saying it'll be easy. You know, get drunk first.
Why do guys think women can just flip a switch like that?
What if I said to you, "Go be with Frank now"'?
Ah, I would be honoured. Frank is a very tender, beautiful man.
He's awesome. You can't read his thoughts 'cause he doesn't have any.
I raise you $200.
And I see your $200 and raise you $300.
Will you,
little Kenneth Ellen Parcell from Stone Mountain, Georgia,
growing up in your mama's tract house, dreaming of working on a TV show,
dreaming of making it all the way to the NBC?
You're scaring me, Mr Donaghy.
You've come a long way, haven't you, Kenneth Ellen,
with your cheap loafers and your page jacket?
But you'll always be a pig farmer's son, boy,
'cause I smell fried bologna all over you.
I'm all-in.
I'm out of chips, Mr Donaghy.
Hey, I got a fun idea. You put your page jacket on the table.
And if you win, you can get it back.
If you lose... you go on home.
You go on home, little Kenneth Ellen...
all the way to Stone Mountain.
- Go for it! - He's bluffing!
Do it!
Test yourself.
Don't do it.
I've got a pair of 25.
Well, let's just seeby-weeby here.
I've got a 2, a 4,
a 9, a 6, and a king.
That means I win.
Kenneth, why did you bet that terrible hand?
Why? Because I believe that life is for the living.
I believe in taking risks and biting off more than you can chew.
And, also, people were yelling, and I got confused about the rules.
Kenneth?
I wasn't really going to fire you. I just wanted to remind you that I could.
I want you back here at 6:00 in the morning sharp
so you can sweep up these shrimp tails.
Yes, sir, Mr Donaghy.
I'm gonna have my eye on you, Kenneth.
You will not be disappointed, sir.
Well, it was nice of you to let him keep his job.
The Italians have a saying, Lemon.
"Keep your friends close and your enemies closer."
And although they've never won a war or mass-produced a decent car,
in this area, they are correct.
In five years, we'll all either be working for him...
...or be dead by his hand.
Hey, after IKEA tomorrow, you want to go see Margaret Cho at the Beacon?
Oh, boy. Oprah?
- Yes, Gayle? - I think we need to take a break.
Because I wanted to submit us for "The Amazing Race"?
Because I was 80% joking about that.
No, it's...
You know, I said I'm not into chasing straight girls,
and I kind of think that's what's starting to happen here.
So, unless you're ready to make a big life change,
I need to move on, find my Stedman.
I thought I was Oprah in this metaphor.
Also, you're gay, so that's a little confusing.
You should say, like, "my lady Stedman."
- OK, I'm going out on a limb here. - OK, sorry.
It's just, if I try to imagine us being together,
I think, "Yeah, OK, this could be fun."
You know, picking out furniture
and making flowerbeds out of old rail road ties.
But the thing is,
if I'm gonna be with someone, it has to be a guy.
- You sound pretty sure about that. - What can I say?
I love a bald spot and a hairy back.
You're alone there.
I should go. I'll see you around.
OK, what if we made a pact?
What if we say that in, like, 25 years, if neither of us has someone,
we'll move in together and be roommates?
And even though I am not into the sex stuff,
if it helps you, I would let you do stuff to me.
I can't be around you any more. Bye, Liz.
That's funny. That's what the guys always say.
Who's gonna go with me to cooking class next weekend?
Well, if by "cooking class" you mean your bed
- and by "next weekend" you mean tonight... - Oh, shut up.
I can see your wedding ring.
Idiot.